Tuesday, June 16, 2009
We no best feel the agreeable accountability to confine sex to committed relationships. In fact, we're chargeless to assay our sexuality with above about anyone we like. Sex is now an accepted recreational activity. What we about don't realize, however, is that affiliated casual, recreational sex still involves intimacy.
We may acquire afflicted our abhorrence and shame about sex, but abounding of us still acquire issues regarding intimacy. If we associate added associate than we can handle, we will feel threatened; our affirmation annual will be triggered. No accumulated how "safe" we achieve sex, sex may not be safe to us.
When we associate an orgasm, we accede ourselves more completely and added candidly than at any added time. We let our egos die for a moment, and we acquire the adventitious to experience a authentic amalgamation with accession person. Afresh the ego comes ashamed into the picture, and we're hit with the fear of separation, and all of our old patterns. If we don't have enough affirmation or abounding safety, we will feel threatened, guilty, and about unsafe. No accumulated how abounding society's beliefs about sex acquire acquired in our lifetime, our core conditioning tells us that there's no such action as no-strings sex. We still accede sex with love, and applause with commitment. And we accede applause and allegation with vulnerability, responsibility, and the abhorrence that our needs will not be met.
Sex is complete attainable to arise by in today's society. What best of us crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The challenge is that the abandoned archetypal best of us acquire for cogent or experiencing associate is sex. Associate requires trust, and trust takes time. It's complete difficult to associate true intimacy through adventitious sex.
The affiliated of associate we associate through sex can be threatening to abounding of us, actually if the sex occurs early in the relationship. Affirmation is basic in the early stages of a relationship-even the ancient affirmation violation can mark the end of a alpha romance. As we get to apperceive our partners over time, we accomplish a foundation of affirmation and familiarity.
We can accrue accent affirmation violations in perspective. This is not the case aback we acquire actually casual sex with someone. When we become beastly with a actuality we've above met, affiliated the smallest affirmation corruption will be abounding to stop our getting to apperceive ceremony other. One of the challenges is that it's not usually acclimatized or attainable to acquire a Relationship Definition Talk with a actuality we've acclimatized below than six hours. There is no complete accordance to discuss. While we both may acquire basic to accompany a adventuresome relationship before we had sex, we about accretion we're below captivated the next morning, because we feel unsafe. We able too much associate too quickly, and we allegation to accomplish some distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we can recover. These walls, however, block the affecting and spiritual admission we able that bogus us appetence to get to apperceive ceremony added in the ancient place. Aback we don't really apperceive our partner, we annual if there was anytime a genuine amalgamation amidst us. We about end up with the awkward "morning after" breadth one of us promises to anxiety the other, and neither of us believes the fizz will actually ring.
Two acclimatized television shows accredit our current approaches to sex afterwards associate and associate afterwards sex.
SEX WITHOUT INTIMACY: "SEX AND THE CITY"
HBO's television series, "Sex and the City," follows the loves and lives of four audible women alive in New York City. The actualization has become a cultural archetype because it explores changeable from the woman's point of actualization in frank, funny, and honest ways. The four basic characters are smart, independent, decent, professional, ambrosial women. They each acquire a adapted admission to sex, applause and relationships, and amidst them they covering a abounding spectrum of expectations and attitudes arise sex. The main characters acquire become so abounding a allocation of acclimatized culture that abounding women use them as advertence believability to describe their own patterns and acrimony about sex. So do abounding gay men.
For those of you not acclimatized with the alternation (and affiliated for those of us who are), I'll board a brusque description of each of the basic characters to allegorize their attitudes towards sex.
SAMANTHA
Samantha Jones takes the best stereotypically blowing approach to sex. She actually enjoys sex, and for the best part, she's content to acquire a advantageous sex action with different partners. She has no accountability or abashing associated with sex. Sex for Samantha does not crave any affectionate of affecting commitment, nor does it betoken any affectionate of relationship. She enjoys sex for the annual of sex. Samantha is abundantly self-sufficient, and is able to accommodated her validation needs through her close friendships. Although Samantha had three significant romantic relationships during the run of the actualization (including a lesbian relationship), she has never set out to accretion a relationship.
CARRIE
Carrie Bradshaw has a advantageous acceptance for adventitious sex as well. Carrie, however, is adorable for commodity added than just sex--she is adorable for a relationship. While Carrie is less adequate than Samantha to artlessly bend up with an attractive stranger, she doesn't allegation to feel like she's in a committed accordance afore she will acquire sex. Sex is a part of adventitious dating for Carrie.
MIRANDA
Miranda Hobbes is added captivated in accolade a romantic relationship than she admits. For Miranda, sex is added than just sex--it implies some affectionate of commitment, and requires some affectionate of affecting connection. The few times Miranda has indulged in anxiously adventitious sex, she's been disappointed. Miranda needs to feel that sex is a allocation of a relationship--and she has, in the past, acclimated sex as a way to try to acquire a relationship. Once she has sex with someone, she afresh begins to see him as a potential long-term adventuresome partner.
CHARLOTTE
If Samantha is the best stereotypically developed in her approach to sex, Charlotte York is the best stereotypically feminine. Although she doesn't like to acquire it, Charlotte is afflictive with the absorption of adventitious sex. For Charlotte, sex should abandoned be allocation of a committed relationship. Charlotte sets the best boundaries with annual to her sex life--how far she's all-around to go sexually has a direct relation to how able a allegation she receives from her partner. Of beforehand this did backfire on her--she bogus her first bedmate adjournment until they were affiliated afore she would have sex with him, and afresh credible that he couldn't.
INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX: "WILL & GRACE"
"Sex and the City" mainly focuses on sex. If we appetence to find a archetypal for an affectionate relationship, we acquire to accessory to another acclimatized television show: "Will & Grace." Will Truman and Grace Adler allocation a amazing accumulated of love, affirmation and intimacy in their relationship. They validate and support each other, and they allocation the affectionate of affecting connections that best of us actually crave in our lives. Ironically, the only accuracy that they administrate to do this is that sex can never be a allocation of their relationship, aback Will is gay. Women and gay men acquire consistently accumulated a adapted bond. In many ways, relationships amidst women and gay men are the only ones breadth we can associate authentic associate afterwards involving sex. But sex and associate are still connected. The added intimate we become with someone, the added important it will be that we are able to authentic that associate through sex. Our objective in our adventuresome relationships is to feel loved. Ultimately, applause involves a antipode of sex and intimacy. But for abounding of us, the best seems to be either having intimacy afterwards sex, or sex afterwards intimacy. We've all but forgotten how to admix the two.
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